James has more than 30 years of experience providing personal and professional development services to youth, adults, families and organizational personnel. He has spent 10 years working within in-patient psychiatric settings, residential treatment programs and has devoted more than 20 years to home, school and community services.
Having helped thousands of youth, parents and families to better recognize, understand and solve their problems, James has created an innovative philosophy, system and approach to understanding behavior and relational dynamics. Over the years, he has worked with people of all backgrounds and experiences through various roles and titles including:
Whatever challenges you may be facing, James is confident he can help you fully understand your barriers and map out ways to overcome or manage them successfully.
Someone once observed that we can’t connect the dots going forward, only looking back. I don’t know about you, but I totally get that. Looking back at my life now, I can see very clearly how everything connected to bring me to where I am today.
But back then my own dots were an often dense, confusing, swirl of seemingly disconnected, disparate events, thoughts and emotions I couldn’t see a way out of.
I generally felt very despairing. Lost, rejected, unloved. Afraid and all too often alone. Useless. Misunderstood. Misperceived. Wrongly judged. Unfairly treated. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Even worse, in many ways, I felt like I was never good enough. Always less than.
That takes a toll on your soul. It doesn’t really teach you how to love yourself, other people or life. And what’s more important than all of that?
How many kids have been through similar experiences and are feeling like that today? A lot. Way more than many people realize, and they’re from every background imaginable: rich, poor, privileged, disadvantaged, healthy or ill.
Maybe you have someone living with you now, whose less than ideal attitude and undesirable behavior are disrupting the quality of your family’s life, stressing you out, causing you to worry, feel guilty or be angered.
Or maybe you’re a teacher who just can’t seem to get through to that one unruly kid or an apathetic one, no matter what you do or how hard you try.
If you’re reading this, it’s likely because you want to better guide young people by learning how to enhance the leadership skills you may already have.
You – and all those kids who desperately need your love and guidance – are among the many reasons my team and I created The Mentor’s Training Manual.
It takes you step by step through a repeatable system I developed over the years that will allow you to achieve elite-level mastery of the mentoring and leadership skills that consistently get better results. The only results that really matter, learning how to most confidently and capably navigate through life’s inevitable challenges. To live a more fulfilling life, with greater peace, joy, freedom, purpose, significance, productivity and contribution.
I’ll tell you more about what you’ll learn and how it works soon, but first I’d like to share some of my story. We all have our own stories that are unique to us but, in telling mine, you’ll see how I overcame some pretty formidable obstacles, largely in thanks to a few kind mentors.
Then you’ll better understand why I’m so passionate to teach the art and science of mentoring to as many people as I can. Why I’ve made it my mission in life and feel driven to have you join the quest. Because there’s something very fulfilling about being a positive influence and having an impact on a young person’s life. Let’s connect some dots.
From the very start, my life was rather hellish. My mom was an unwed teenage runaway. My father struggled with addiction to speed and heroin while trying to find his way, living wildly and spending time in and out of jail for petty crimes. As a newborn, my physical and mental development were impaired by drugs in my system.
Sadly, my parents had endured physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse in their own lives. My mother, wrought with all sorts of struggles and labels of her myriad disorders, unreasonably and irrationally expected and wanted or needed me to be perfect. Perhaps in part to make up for her own failings and faults, she punished me severely for what, in essence, was no viable reason.
She chose to dump her own problems and discomfort onto me at a high volume because she didn’t know how or wasn’t motivated to learn how to resolve them on her own.
Even when I did something that I knew was right, correct or good, there was no recognition or reward to reinforce the positive behavior. So why should I bother?
Yet I still tried to be perfect. Coupled with anxiety, and the constant feeling of disappointment and disapproval, the pressure became overwhelming.
I hated the level of demand. Stress, fear and guilt were my constant companions. All I wanted was to be free – to play, explore, have fun and enjoy life. But life was only good when I was outside rounding up the other kids to play football, baseball or basketball.
I seemed to have a knack for bringing people together for a common cause, although I only realized that in retrospect. I loved the challenge of not only competing against the other kids, but also against myself.
The enforced restriction against expressing myself at home compelled me to act out at school, where my unfulfilled need for attention, acceptance and approval routinely got me into trouble. I couldn’t sit still, concentrate or process what I was being told. I didn’t want to understand when I needed to be quiet, compliant and cooperative. I sought to express myself and be liked by using my jokes and pranks to try and make my classmates and teachers laugh.
And there were the bullies. Lots of bullies. Not only at home but at school, and in the neighborhood. I was always the new kid, the poorest one. I was weaker, younger and underdeveloped compared to almost everyone else. I lacked courage, strength or whatever it took physically to hold my own. I was an easy target.
We all have those “aha” moments in our lives. A sudden flash of insight or inspiration that changes everything. I’ve had several, but this may have been the first. I think I was nine or so.
There was this one guy, John, much older. He threw rocks, carried a knife and picked on everyone, especially me for some reason I never quite got. He was much bigger and stronger than I was back then.Almost daily as I headed home from school, he would block my path and order me to jump out of his way, into the nearby thorny bushes. It was safer and easier to comply than to argue, so I obliged. I didn’t want to try and fight back and give him any justification for the inevitable abuse. But not that day
My neighborhood friends, the weaker ones, the ones who were also picked on had gathered around. Including Debbie – a Puerto Rican girl I’d had a crush on. I felt a pressure to finally stand up against this Goliath, yet the odds of making an impact were nil. Honestly, there was nothing I could do against him. It was insurmountable.
I was afraid, feeling hopeless and powerless. He told me several times to throw myself into the prickly bushes. I was stuck. Finally, out of frustration, John lunged at me and the wrestling matches I’d been watching on television unexpectedly took over. Without even thinking about it, I spun him around into the bushes. It was like I didn’t even have a choice. Natural reactions kicked in, and the last thing I wanted to do was upset him any further.
Surprised and angered, he came at me again. I did the same exact move, and he fell to the ground. Somehow, I pinned him there, wrought with emotion, confusion, surprise, fear and rage. I saw that all-too-familiar look of fear in his facial expression. I couldn’t believe what had happened. The other kids were yelling at me to punch him in the face. When I looked over at them, I could see they all had an overly strong expectation for me to exact vengeance.
Something or someone told me not to do what he does, not to do what my parents do, to be better. For what felt like an hour, I considered the options.
All the while, my mother was screaming at me from across the street, to get my bleep bleep back home. But that’s not the only reason I came short of beating John when I had the chance.
I may not have recognized it then, but a sense of mercy, empathy and compassion had kept me from inflicting on someone else the kind of pain I had so often received myself. The other big takeaway was that I had way more power than I thought. That would be a recurring theme for many years until I learned to fully control the power.
For this particular crime, I was sentenced to twenty-four hours tied to my bed and beaten. The older I got, the more irrational restrictions and isolation my infractions earned. There were times when I was forced to stay in my room for months on end, without access to other kids or play. But with as positive an attitude as I could muster, I put the time to good use listening to music, exercising and reading.
The only respite was the occasional visit with relatives, which provided a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, life could be different outside my immediate family. In spite of everything, I actually did love my mother and siblings but, at fourteen, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Something had to change. I was being falsely accused of breaking into homes and stealing, and I was on the cusp of being sent to long term detention. That would have ruined me.
I ran away. I was extremely frightened, and I didn’t know what would happen, but turns out I was fortunate to be taken into foster care and placed with a much more nurturing family. While they weren’t perfect, and the environment was still not ideal, both were far, far better than what I had escaped, and I was given many opportunities I never would have had otherwise.My foster family were generally better role models. They taught me many valuable life lessons and helped me to better navigate my way through life. They were much more reasonable. They put me to work and expected me to be productive.
They also were empathic and merciful. They forgave my boyish transgressions and were far more gentle and understanding. Yet they still were tough and didn’t settle for any laziness or apathy. I was expected to work and earn my way.
My new brothers all in their own way spent time with me and played, teaching me the process of commanding my thoughts, learning to endure pain and suffering and to keep progressing forward. They instilled in me hope, courage and faith.
An internal switch seemed to have flipped, one that remains to this day – to do whatever needs to be done, with a good attitude and always having as much fun as I could. Rather than trying to avoid work or rail against it, to honor the opportunity and to do my best before anyone has any viable reason to correct or discipline me.
Subconsciously, more dots began to resolve themselves, silently shaping and informing my mentoring philosophy and creating the template for my future system and approach.
At college, academics took a back seat to sports, recreation, working out and all the other fun I had been denied growing up. Besides, I had no passion or interest in any particular subject. I was happy just to coast along, reveling in my newfound freedom and independence.
Another dot – a huge, life-altering one – popped up in my final year, when a coach asked if I’d be interested in a part-time job at a nearby children’s hospital. Perfect! Playing with kids would be fun and relaxing, right? Wrong! It was absolutely brutal. But it would awaken a part of my soul that had lain dormant for far too long.
The job was in a physio rehab unit for youngsters and adolescents, many of whom were afflicted with devastating injuries, illnesses and diseases that promised little to no hope for recovery or an improved quality of life.
Seeing how terribly these kids suffered broke my heart. But instinctively I knew exactly what they needed: empathy, encouragement, empowerment, play, fun and laughter. And I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility to deliver on that.
I remember one little girl who was confined to a wheelchair. Suffering from cerebral palsy, she was almost completely paralyzed; she could only open and close one small hand. I put a ball in her palm, and she would drop it. Together we watched to see how far it would roll. Then I picked it up and put it in her hand again. Drop, roll, retrieve. Drop, roll, retrieve. Drop, roll, retrieve.
We did this for a whole hour straight each day. Her eyes glistened with gratitude and joy that she could play, recreate and have fun despite the obvious limitations. My own eyes are welling up even now at the memory. This too taught me much about how to approach life, people and myself. To always do the best you can with what you have, and with positivity regardless of circumstance.
I threw myself into finding creative ways to convey the messages these kids so urgently needed, with as much compassion as I could muster. Although this was different from how I’d been operating, it made sense and somehow it felt completely natural. A calling. At last, I knew what I was meant to do.
Eventually I accepted a full-time position as a child mental health worker in the hospital’s psychiatric unit. I honored every moment of every day with the kids and the staff. Everything was training, to improve.
I read an average of ten hours a day for a whole decade, to better understand myself and others. It was a time of great suffering in many ways, but also a great period of maturing and healing from my own past wounds. I longed to transcend those problems and aspired to spend the rest of my life devising and contributing to solutions.
In 1996, I moved to San Diego, California to continue graduate school and explore other places. When I completed my masters of social work two years later, I started working with a family that was really struggling. I spent many hours mentoring their son, who was heavily medicated for his anxiety and depression. He didn’t go to school, had no friends, was screen-addicted and generally miserable.
Working with him gave me a chance to apply and fine-tune the skills I had learned, as well as to test a few new approaches of my own. The vision I had of mentoring kids, coaching parents and families was underway. This led to the first business, Families In Training.
Soon I was getting more referrals than I could handle, so I began to seek dedicated, caring, like-minded people whom I could train to be mentors by following my own methods and programs. I spent thousands of hours preparing them to deal with various scenarios they might encounter. They needed to have good chemistry and strong character to start with; I could guide them to greater competency and train them in how to integrate our system.
At the same time, I was coaching all types of people from all walks of life. Their various roles included professional athletes, CEOs, entrepreneurs, educators and private individuals. I did what I could to teach them how to realize their potential.
Families In Training was a for-profit business but my work eventually led me to establish a second venture, called the San Diego Mentors. Through this non-profit we were able to work with parents and students struggling mightily through homelessness. Most recently, we created Mentors & More in order to offer a more comprehensive variety of services.
Every mentee, situation and experience was unique. Each helped me refine our programs, but I had to figure out a way to simplify the training process. That’s when I really started connecting those dots.
I knew that all the bad things in my early years had happened for my ultimate good, forging my character, leading me to positive influences and deepening my natural empathy. The fun, play and laughter that had helped me to cope could become a similar tool in the hands of other mentors.
Thanks to the many good people who loved and cared enough to believe in me, I had learned to move beyond just surviving. But what was it about them that had made such an impact? They were kind, trustworthy and empathic. Understanding, patient and merciful. They had provided the role modeling, support and structure I needed to feel safe, worthy and significant.They had changed how I viewed myself, other people, relationships – even life and the world. Perhaps most importantly, they had led by example, teaching me the principles of calm assertion that would become the cornerstone of our mentoring programs.
The moral of my story, the single most important message, is that I am so very grateful for everything – both the positive and negative – that has happened in my life. Everything.
Based on the combined experiences of the team’s and mine, we developed The Mentor’s Training Manual.
It was originally intended to train the mentors-to-be in our organization. As we worked on completing it, we realized that not only could it be a great resource for our teammates, but it could also benefit nearly anyone in the role or position of influence to mentor anyone regardless of age, skill level, challenges or goals.
It’s our first publication, one which we believe will be a major asset to those who are willing to do the work. It targets the key concepts of self-leadership, relational leadership, problem-solving and so many other aspects of personal and professional development. It also redefines “success” and “failure”, teaching how to approach all situations in life with calm assertion.
Please understand that, when we talk about these principles or define certain terms throughout The Mentor’s Training Manual (the “Manual”), they’re the concepts and terms that we use at Mentors & More. Experts in fields such as sociology and psychology may refer to them differently, but they make sense to us and to the many people we’ve trained.
Above all, and most importantly, The Manual teaches you how to train your mind, your habits, your approaches, your mentality.
The need for mentoring has never been greater than it is today and, although not all coaching or mentoring situations are dire, or a matter of life or death, many are and will continue to be. We can’t possibly reach every young person who could benefit from our training. But we can reach many more of them by offering to train others beyond our organization, who are willing to learn our methods and carry them into their communities, one deserving child at a time.
I hope that might be you, and that The Mentor’s Training Manual will be a blessing to everyone who’s motivated to be a positive influence in the lives of today’s youth.
If you’re willing to put in the time and effort it takes to become an elite mentor, I promise you, it will be worth it.
And if you’re ready to connect a few dots of your own, keep reading to find out how.
