What do people do that you don’t like? Argue, complain, blame, whine, sneak, yell, curse, badger. Underneath all of it, the same thing is happening: a person is trying to fill a need. It may not always be on your radar, but everything we ever do is a try at filling up need. All day long, consciously or subconsciously, we’re deciding which needs to go after, how, and how hard. Some needs get filled from the inside: feeling safe, in control of yourself, capable, free, at peace. Others get filled through people: approval, acceptance, attention, trust, belonging. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to fill any of it. It’s necessary. Super necessary.
The key is knowing your motives: which needs you’re going after, and why those. And, just as important, how you’re trying to fill them. If someone asks something of you and you avoid them or ignore them just to feel some control or power or attention, that isn’t the best option, is it?
And all of it runs on messages. Every thought, every word, every look is a message. Good messages, the positive, accurate, useful ones, fill needs up. Bad messages, the negative, inaccurate, useless ones, drain them. The job is to find the good ones: the messages that truly fill the need, and keep filling it. Messaging is the boss. When we try to win a game, an argument, or a business deal, we’re really trying to collect messages that fill us up, so we can get through life and keep moving forward.
So when is there a problem? In one of two places. Either it’s the motive: wanting certain needs too much, or not enough. Or it’s the approach: going after them in a passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive way that hurts you or the people around you. Wrong motive or poor approach: the result is behavior people call undesirable, mistaken, wrong, or bad.
After more than three decades of working with people of every age, I’ve seen the same pattern over and over: people make a mess trying to get something real in the wrong way. They want power, significance, connection, or safety, and without the skill to fill those needs the right way, they reach for aggression, avoidance, lying, manipulation, or isolation instead. The negative behavior may be wrong, destructive, even dangerous. But it is not random. There is a need underneath it. That doesn’t excuse the poor behavior. It tells you where to start.
If you lead anyone, a team, a classroom, a family, an athlete, or just yourself, this is worth understanding.
Undesirable Behavior Is a Message, Not Just a Problem
Most of us go after the negative behavior first: the blow-up, the excuses, the shutting down, the sarcastic jab. And yes, the poor behavior matters: you can’t ignore it. But if all you ever chase is the negative behavior, you end up playing whack-a-mole for years. One problem goes down, another pops up.
Remember: there is a motive underneath every decision we make about how we think, talk, and act. Every one. The goal is always the same: to fill our needs. And each of us is responsible for managing our own.
When someone keeps hammering one or two needs and ignoring the rest, it’s usually because they believe those needs are running low. Most of us carry some of that. Negativity in how we were programmed, or the lasting effects of abuse or neglect, leaves us short on needs like safety, security, peace, joy, freedom, and significance. That tells you a lot about negative behavior: it’s trying to fill something that feels too low or empty. The tricky part is that the shortage can be real, or only feel real. Deception plays a big part in unmet need: we get fooled, and we fool ourselves, about what’s empty and how to fill it.
When needs feel empty or threatened, discomfort rises: fear, stress, anger, guilt, grief. And when a person doesn’t have the skill, or the willingness, to handle that discomfort, the behavior can turn destructive.
So the better question is not only, “How do I stop this?”
The better question is, “What need is this person trying to fill, and what would filling it a better way look like?” And then: “How do I promote a more assertive approach?”
A Real Problem: Flooding One Need and Starving the Rest
A passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive approach doesn’t fail to fill needs. It floods a few of them and starves all the rest. That’s the trade. And it always ends in imbalance. Imbalance is the problem, because our needs have to stay moderate and balanced for us to feel right, function well, and move forward.
Watch how it works, in all kinds of people:
- The boss who explodes in the meeting gets a hit of control, power, and expression, and drains the room’s trust, his own peace, and everyone’s sense of safety.
- The teenager who lies buys a little freedom and cover, and starves connection, trust, and the safety of being honestly known.
- The spouse who goes silent for three days gets a quiet dose of control and self-protection, and empties connection, expression, and peace for both people.
- The player who showboats and talks trash floods significance and attention, and drains the team’s trust and his own discipline.
- The friend who says yes to everything floods acceptance and approval, and starves her own boundaries, freedom, and self-respect.
- The coworker with the sarcastic jab in every meeting gets a passive-aggressive taste of power, and poisons belonging and safety for the whole team.
A big spike in one need, paid for with a heavy drop in the others. Quick satisfaction, real cost. The quick fix feels like it worked. That’s what makes it so easy to repeat. But it doesn’t truly fill you up, and the discomfort doesn’t go away. It grows, in you and in the people around you.
And before you sort everyone else into those examples: we all do this. Every one of us has a favorite quick fix.
What Leaders, Parents, and Coaches Can Do With This
Once you start seeing the need underneath the negative behavior, you become less reactive and more effective. That doesn’t mean you go soft. Calm is not soft. Assertive is not harsh.
Whoever you’re leading, a child, a team, an employee, a mentee, start asking:
- Sense of power: What do they feel they’re missing? What are they trying to gain?
- Significance/attention: Where could they feel valued for contributing instead of causing chaos?
- Connection/belonging: Has our relationship become mostly correction and conflict?
- Safety/protection: What fear, shame, or overwhelm might be driving this negative behavior?
Then turn the questions on yourself, because leadership starts with self-leadership. Which of these needs is running low in your own life, and are you filling it with something healthy, or with a quick fix that costs you later? Are you feeding the power struggle? Giving the most attention when things go wrong? Coming down so hard that people only learn to hide better?
This is where assertion comes in. Know what you’re trying to fill, name the need honestly, and go after it with calm assertion instead of a quick fix. Assertion fills needs in moderation and balance, without creating new problems. Passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive approaches all make new messes while pretending to clean up the old one. Assertion solves the problem without leaving a mess behind.
And remember: people choose their own way regardless. You can’t fill anyone’s needs for them. What you can do is lead yourself well, set the structure, model the calm, and make the healthy path easier to choose than the destructive one.
These are not easy questions. But they are the right ones.
One last thing, and it matters: none of this makes anyone a victim, and none of it is unusual. This is a normal human challenge, one we all fail at, regularly. The good news is just as plain: it’s remedied with training. Through coaching, through mentoring, or on your own accord, you can learn to name the need, choose assertion, and fill your needs in balance. It’s a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.